54 days left

Last night I cried falling asleep, questioning myself why I do have to do this? Is what I'm doing now is right and godly? I could've changed my ticket's date to an earlier date and I could've gone by now, but I did not because I was hoping to be able to spend my very last couple months with some closer friends.

At times I was upset and frustrated at myself because I've been expecting too much from other people. I was helpless because I have no idea what other people are thinking and I understand everyone is busy but I honestly don't know what I can do. I guess the only thing I can do is to make myself always available to everyone whenever they want to spend some quality time with me.

The other reason I didn't change my mind on my leaving day was because I know I will regret! I've been there, I've done something that made me feel guilty and regret for 12 years. When I was turning 13, my grandmother came and visit and expecting to stay for my birthday. We were planning to go out for supper and for some reason I threw my temper to everyone and we ended up didn't do anything. That was the last time I saw her, and the last words I spoke to her was snapping words. She passed away on the same year and I didn't get to see her or even apologized. Since then, I started to watch out my temper tantrum, but it's still too late. I thought I've forgotten about all this, but it came to my mind last night when I was praying. I wonder why God wants to remind me of this?

I have been holding back everything in me, because I know the wait will worth it one day. Wonder what will happen tomorrow? At least I'm not going to regret on anything I've done today.....

Today's Sermon

Today Robin started the sermon with a short story about him and a good friend of his when he was younger. They hung out together every day and they started to fight over tiny little things and eventually they stopped talking to each other. Anyway, his point was that when two human spend too much time with each other everyday, unnecessary fights or arguments will take place. I was like, this is so true!!! Looking back, especially my past relationship, we fought a lot especially when we hung out together for too much time. Even like my parents and I, I feel that our relationship get much better after I left home for school (this doesn't mean that all the kids are encouraged to move out from their parents, hahaha).

I'm just wondering, is this the reason why the friendships of me and some friends changed? Just because we really had spent too much time together? Or is it because I've said or done something wrong?

62 days left

I figured I should really start to write something down to remind myself in the future before it gets too late. I honestly have no idea where to start because there is so much in my mind right now that I really want to spill them out from my chest.

I cannot believe it is 62 days away from my leaving. I think in most people's eyes I looked like I'm completely ready for this, in fact I'm not, and I'm not happy at all, and who knows? and who can I really go to and tell them the truth? Lately, I find that I'm constantly having difficulty in opening up myself, I just hate to talk about my own feelings which I wasn't used to be like that. It's like I'm trying not to even touch that particular vulnerable part in myself. Besides, I just think people won't really care how I felt!

I was going over my facebook inbox just now and I realized I have been keeping messages from couple close friends of mine from a year ago. Some of the messages from a friend made me teared up while I was reading the third message that she sent me. I had to stop reading them because the more I read it the more it hurt. However, I really really missed those days that we talked about anything every night.

Last day @ YPG

Somehow I felt that the company was going to tell us to leave earlier than June 30th, and even the thought had crossed my mind once in the morning wondering if this could happen, and it did!

I was surprisingly calm when the manager told us that this is our last week at YPG, but as soon as I walked out the conference room, these mixture feelings started to stir up in my stomach. There was a little upset, frustration, sad, relieved, looking forward, etc... It's good that I don't have to keep doing dirty job, but money-wise it's not good. I believe this is another opportunity from God to strengthen my faith in Him and our relationship. I know He will provide eventually.

Father, thank you for providing me with this job a year ago and from there I've gained experience that I needed to and meeting with people that I've never thought I'll ever met in my life. Thank you for the people that I worked with and thank you for the amazing friendships that You've blessed us for. Lord, I just want to lift every single one of them up to You, I pray that those who lost their job will be able to find something even better soon and always be strong especially when they feel discouraged at times. I asked this in Jesus name. Amen!

Slacking~~

Have been slacking for almost for a month.
Nothing much to write but some odd feelings:

Location: Yellow Pages Group
Time: 12.25pm
Feelings: Upset, terrified
Reason: Image of me leaving kept spinning in my head all morning until I can feel the tears in my eyes.

Father I just pray that you can help me just to get through the day in Your name. Amen.

My Year of Living Frivolously

I like a little story that Nancy used in this chapter which was from Alexander Who Used to be Rich Last Sunday. Alexander only has bus tokens....until his grandparents give him a dollar on Sunday, Alexander is rich!

However, through a series of frivolous and unwise purchases, plus losing a bet and being fined by his parents for mouthing off, Alexander goes from being poor to rich and back to poor before the week is up. He ends up with what he started with-- bus tokens.

Honestly, who doesn't want to be a millionaire, or at least a little bit wealthier?? I would be the first one to raise up my hand, probably with my legs up too to show how desperate I want to be rich. I'm not from a wealthy family, my dad is the only financial income we have, what he earns basically was just enough to cover the basic expenses at home, and we are not allowed to ask anything that is totally unnecessary, to me it's Barbie doll, to my brothers probably was game boy or something like that, hahahaha.

Yes, money is very important, it helps us to survive in this world. But sometimes it's the root of damaging relationships too, such as couples, roommates, parents and kids, and friends.

"The love of money being the root of all kinds of evil and discontent, but they often overlook the answer to contentment. It's not in vilifying riches or selling everything and living in a cave. Instead, contentment is found in knowing God's promise. 'Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you'.

To me the happiest person is the richest person.

Nancy Kennedy, Lipstick Grace

When God Shows Up

Lately I've been waiting for God to show up and help me to fix things up. Nancy said God shows up to her through Holy Wind and I also remember someone said that God reaches all of us in a complete different way. I wonder in what way God would shows up infront of me. Even if He didn't come to help me fixing things up, but at least let me feel His presence and experience something Holy with Him.

"No matter how He does it, at the right moment He shows up to remind you that if you're His, you've been His since before eternity and that He loves you with an everlasting love. He reminds you that nothing you are facing is out of His control"

Nancy Kennedy, Lipstick Grace